When You Wish Upon A Death Star…

Today I learned that Disney will be purchasing Lucasfilm for the sum of $4.05 billion dollars, or 4.05% of Dr. Evil’s ransom demand to not blow up the world. Upon hearing this news, the following thoughts immediately went through my head:

1) Oh please God, no!
2) Well, they bought Marvel and The Avengers was awesome so maybe this will be ok.
3) George Lucas is going to be able to build an actual Death Star in his backyard now.

I’ve been a superfan of Star Wars since 1982, when I was 2 years old. To support this claim, I offer the following evidence:

1) The first movie I can remember ever putting into a VCR myself was A New Hope.
2) I saw Return of the Jedi in the theater with my dad in it’s first release. The rancor scene scared be so badly that I was unable to watch it without fast forwarding past it for roughly 7 years after that. Ok, I’m lying. It was more like 17 years. Shut up.
3) I owned and constantly listened to The Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi novelizations on vinyl records.
4) Once while playing with my Star Wars toys, I got Lando stuck somewhere in the Rancor’s esophagus. I had to make the heart breaking decision to break open the rancor to retrieve Lando because, no matter what happens, Billy D. Williams must prevail.
5) By the time I entered college, I could quote virtually every line of dialogue from the original trilogy. I also learned to keep this talent to myself, because it’s really, really annoying.
6) In 1999, before the likes of Fandango, I camped out with a group of people for 4 days at a local movie theater to buy tickets for The Phantom Menace. We had to take shifts because it was right in the middle of exam week.
7) Despite the many, many, many shortcomings of The Phantom Menace, I saw every prequel during it’s midnight launch, solely on the basis of, “maybe this one won’t suck as much.”
8) I’ve played virtually every Star Wars video game ever created, and just this past year culminated that by attending the first (and very likely the last) Star Wars: The Old Republic Guild Summit, for which I actually used 2 vacation days from work.

I could go on, but to be honest it’s becoming a bit depressing listing these things out. Somehow this because more of a confessional than I intended it to. Suffice it to say, I really like Star Wars.

In addition to the announcement that Disney will soon be wishing on stars in a galaxy far, far away, another thing I learned today is that there will, in fact, be an Star Wars Episode 7, which will be released in 2015. It’s hard to react to that, because there’s no information other than “we’re making another one” available to the public yet. Despite my apprehension, I have decided to allow Disney to continue with this course of action. However, as I have now confirmed my Star Wars superfandom, I must insist that Disney observe the following requirements when creating Star Wars: The Next Generation.

1) Obi Wan will continue to appear as a force ghost whenever he damn well pleases, and not when Luke or someone else rubs a magic lamp.
2) The London Symphony Orchestra will never be asked to play “A Whole New World,” when the Millennium Falcon enters a new planet’s atmosphere for the first time.
3) Whoever ends up being “the next Jedi,” will build their lightsaber just like every other Jedi before them. He or she will NOT pull it out of a stone with the help of some old wizard (Merlin, not Obi Wan).
4) Inhabitants of Tatooine cannot paint with all the colors of the wind. There is still only one color on Tatooine.
5) The death of Darth Vader should not be a green light to get James Earl Jones involved again. Mufasa has no place in the Star Wars Universe.
6) Should any action take place on Naboo, any visits to the Gungans will not involve a rousing chorus of “Under The Sea”
7) The songs from Snow White, particularly “High Ho!” are insensitive toward Carrie Fisher’s drug problems of the 80’s, and should be avoided.
8) No existing Disney characters should be used in any way, shape or form. Except Launchpad McQuack. He can be a part of Rogue Squadron, on the condition that he crash lands at least one X-Wing per engagement.
9) Ships will still be traveling at light speed when they enter hyperspace, and will NOT be going, “to infinity and beyond.”
10) No vehicle in the Star Wars Universe will ever, ever be voiced by Larry the Cable Guy.

So long as Disney agrees to follow these commandments, then I don’t think we’re going to have a problem. I’m a reasonable fellow (most of the time) and can definitely see that there’s room for a Disney-run Lucasfilm in this crazy mixed-up world of ours. I look forward to a future with new Star Wars films, and perhaps An Even Newer Hope than before. I wish Disney the best of luck, which they will probably need. Because so help me God, if they screw this up I will kidnap Mickey and Minnie Mouse and give them the Who Framed Roger Rabbit treatment. Just kidding. Maybe.

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