Six Degrees of Random Movie Thoughts

1) Between 2008 and 2012, Shia LaBeouf did a Wall Street sequel, 2 sequels to Transformers, and Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Not only did this make him very rich, he also proved that you do not, in fact, have to hold political office to disappoint the entire country over a 4 year period.

2) Tomorrow, Harrison Ford will turn 70 years old. According to IMDB, Indiana Jones 5 has been announced with an unknown release date. While I love any Indiana Jones movie that was not made in this millennium, I do not want to see a 70 year old man doing stunts. If I did, I would still be watching Ric Flair and Hulk Hogan. What it boils down to is that the tyrannical grasp that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg have on the franchise must be ended. The time has come for humanity to rebel against this unholy movie empire and… wait a minute…. when did Lucas & Spielberg become the Emperor and Darth Vader? Now that’s irony.

3) If Gary Oldman had access to the weapons he had in The Fifth Element, Air Force One would have been about 10 minutes long with a very different ending. Glenn Close would never have even gotten any screen time as the Vice President, and as a result the idea for the television show Commander In Chief never would have been born. To summarize, the world would have been a better place if Gary Oldman had gone all Fhloston Paradise on that airplane.

4) Some people like to debate who is more hardcore — Kiefer Sutherland as Jack Bauer or Bruce Willis as John McClane. Those people are debating just for the sake of debate, because John McClane would whip Jack Bauer’s ass like it owed him money. Let me put it this way — If Bruce Willis had ridden with Billy the Kid, Billy would have lived to be about 97 years old and retired on a ranch somewhere in the San Fernando Valley. If Bruce Willis had been the 3rd musketeer, then the other 2 musketeers wouldn’t have had jack to do during that movie, because Bruce Willis would have killed every mofo in France… with a Three Musketeers bar. And if Bruce Willis ever went up against Kiefer Sutherland head to head, 24 would be the number of seconds and not hours that day would have lasted. Yippie kai kay, Mr. Sutherland.

5) What would have happened if Tom Cruise really had been unable to handle the truth in A Few Good Men? Would he have broken down crying right there in court? Jack Nicholson does not strike me as someone who gives hugs just because someone is sad. Also, if Helen Hunt had been in A Few Good Men instead of As Good As It Gets, would he still have ordered the Code Red? Did that marine have to die? Or Scatman Crothers? What about the good people of Gotham? How many innocent people have suffered over the years because no one made Jack Nicholson want to be a better man until 1997?

6) In 1978, Kevin Bacon assured a panicked mob that all was well. While he was completely wrong, given the situation you have to admire his positive attitude. I wonder if he’d done that more often, would things have gone better for him throughout his career? Would Mrs. Vorhees still have stabbed him through the mattress with that arrow? Would he still have blown out his knee playing college basketball? Would Meryl Streep have cheerfully guided him down the river instead of fighting him every inch of the way? And, would have the Apollo 13 mission gone off without a hitch? Maybe it’s me, but I think if the words, “Houston, all is well,” had been broadcast from the moon, we all would have been just a little happier leaving the movie theater.

NOTE: Today’s post meets the qualifications of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon. Submitted for your approval:

Shia Lebeouf was in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Harrison Ford
Harrison Ford was in Air Force One with Gary Oldman
Gary Oldman was in The Fifth Element with Bruce Willis
Bruce Willis was in I’m Still Here with Jack Nicholson
Jack Nicholson was in A Few Good Men with Kevin Bacon

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