Random Thoughts and Questions for Musicians

DISCLAMER: Some of the songs referenced in today’s post are gangsta rap songs. As is such, they tend to explore the realm of vocabulary that some might find offensive. Therefore, if you click on a link and don’t like what you hear, close the browser.

1) In 1993, Snoop Dogg asked us, “Who Am I? (What’s My Name)?” In 1999, Eminem answered with, “My Name Is.” In 2010, Rhianna took things full circle by once again asking, “What’s My Name?” Perhaps the question we should all be asking is, “Why isn’t anyone testing the hip hop community for early onset dementia?”

2) If Lil Jon and the East Side Boyz were to get low with Afroman while he got high, wouldn’t they all just be walking around normally?

3) If Tupac really did have all eyes on him, then why doesn’t anyone know who shot him?

4) Metallica can stop asking for whom the bell tolls. Dr. Dre has kept their heads ringing for a long time now. But seriously, how does he always know that I’m bobbing my head? And how can he see me? Why does Dr. Dre have my apartment wired for surveillance? That’s really creepy.

5) Sometimes I wonder if Tha Crossroads that Bone Thugs N Harmony will see us at is the same crossroads where Robert Johnson sold his soul to the devil. If so, those crossroads must be the nexus of all things musical in the universe. I bet John Williams has a secret underground lair there where he fights evil with awesome orchestral scores.

6) If there was no limit to the amount of recording tape that a reel could hold, would Rapper’s Delight ever had ended? Considering that song fades out at the end, I wonder how long The Sugar Hill Gang kept going. I wonder if anyone actually told them that the tape had ended. In my head, they eventually got to the point where they were rapping about rapping in the studio at that moment in time. That’s how The Sugar Hill Gang wrote Inception way back in 1979. Christopher Nolan totally ripped them off.

7) It’s becoming quite apparent that none of us are every going to get another chance to do the hump. If I had then what I know now, I wouldn’t have squandered the opportunity. Seriously though, over the years we’ve had multiple opportunities to jump (Van Halen, Kris Kross), shout (The Isley Brothers, Tears for Fears) and even spin (Dead or Alive, The Theme Song from Tale Spin). Statistically speaking, by now we should have at least had one more shot at doing the hump.

8) When I was young, I used to think that the Billie Jean that Michael Jackson was referring to was Billie Jean King. That’s how I knew he was telling the truth when he said that she wasn’t his lover. Had that song been released by Janet Jackson instead, I would have been considerably more skeptical.

9) If Alien Ant Farm had been so concerned with how Annie was doing when Michael Jackson first posed the question, then maybe Annie wouldn’t have grown up to become Darth Vader. As it stands, millions died and the Jedi were almost hunted to extinction all because Alien Ant Farm waited almost 15 years to follow up.

10) If Green Day, Lenny Kravitz, James Brown, Don McLean, and David Bowie all got together and sang a song, it would be called “Living in American Pie With A Young, Idiot Woman.” It would be used by political candidates right before they delivered a stump speech, played during the 7th inning stretch of all major league baseball games not played in Toronto, and butchered by contestants on both American Idol AND The Voice. It would also be butchered on The X Factor, but far, far fewer people would realize it. Congress would take steps to pass legislation to make it our new national anthem, which would then defeated handily in a vote on the Senate floor after people remembered that David Bowie is, in fact, British. The rights to the song would ultimately be purchased by Bob Iger, who would lock it in the Disney Vault next to Song of the South and Julie Andrews, and vow not to release it until Justin Bieber was deported back to Canada and sent to the Yukon with only a bottle of hairspray and a spork.

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